blackmail press 40
Andy Leleisi'uao
first published issue 26
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The Malo Conversations Part II

The following are text exchanges between two middle-aged New Zealand-born Samoans during the month of February. Muta lives in Otara and works 20 hours a week as a truck driver. His best friend, Niu is a struggling artist living in Mangere.

The Malo Conversations: 1st – 28th February, 2010.

1-Feb-2010

Muta:07:39:12 Did u scratch yur nuts dis morning
Niu:07:39:43 At least i got 2
Muta:07:40:05 U wana go ther bitch
Niu:07:41:13 Calm down brada
Muta: 07:41:42 Sole u smoke al dat smoke yet
Niu: 07:43:01 Ufa yur smoke was rubbish
Muta:07:44:16 U can smoke my as nxt time
Niu:07:44:58 Yur as is infested
Muta:07:45:15 Im going 2 kio on yr nxt painting cunt
Niu:07:45:56 An wot have i told u bot txtin me at dis time
Muta:07:46:59 Fuk up

Muta:15:51:02 My name is niu no hoper
Muta:15:52;13 I am a faken dumbbo
Muta:15:53:31 I wher pink g-strings
Muta: 15:54:10 Want sum mor cok
Muta:15:54:32 Kefe
Muta:15:54:46 Komo
Muta: 15:55:01 Com bak i jus geting startd
Muta:16:00:13 Mangere cok
Muta:16:36:59 U sad fob
Muta:16:38:09 Hide u ashole

Niu:20:40:17 Gutu elo
Muta:20:42:29 Fak u matafaka
Niu:20:42:41 Malo
Muta:22:31:16 Malo

2-Feb-2010

Muta:07:56:05 Morn putio
Niu:07:56:21 WOT DA FUK DO U WANT
Muta:   08.00:45 Today uso is da day u shold get a life u kefe
Niu:08:12:13 Get a job
Muta:08:13:51 I got a job fagot
Niu:08:14:14 Oi dats rite 20 hurs a wek…WOW
Muta:08:15:22 Fuk u matafuka
Muta:15:26:56 I go 2 samoa ufa so buy me lunch
Niu:15:30:40 Wot 4
Muta:15:35:21 Sii an matai stuff
Niu:15:36:41 No stupid y shold i buy lunch
Muta:15:37:14 Fak u
Niu:15:38:01 Hw long u go 4
Muta:15:38:21 Only 1 day 2 busy at work
Niu:15:38:52 Wot a waste of time
Muta:15:39:37 Gotta do da sii
Niu:15:39:52 Yur not even a real matai 
Muta: 15:40:18 Fak u yur village r all clowns
Muta:15:40:34 I c dem workin at mcdonalds
Niu:15:40:47 I c yur village at niteclubs dressed like they work in mcdonalds
Muta:15:42:35 Fak u cunt
Niu: 15:43:01 Wen u going
Muta:15:45;23 Git faked

Niu:21:44:51 Malo
Muta:21:45:34 Malo

3-Feb-2010

Muta:08:14:45 Hey cok wen u wana hav lunch.
Muta:08:17:11 Mimi
Niu:08:17:33 Wen u free
Muta:08:18:16 Im not i change my mind nw fak off
Muta:08:22:21 And let da dog nxt door lick yr small cock

Niu:12:34:12 Sole wen u gona pik me up 4 lunch
Muta:12:34:44 Kefe go fak yrself wana b painter
Niu:12:35:12 Go hav a wank but use yur hand
Muta:12:35:33 Cok go sell yr bullshit paintings at flea market wanker
Muta: 12:36:12 An buy 2 cans of kiwi lager

Muta: 21:32:12 I heard u had to bribe da matai 2 get yr title
Niu:21:33:15 Dats rite yur village idiot sold it to me for 1 tala
Niu:22:01:43 He look exactly lik u but not as ugly
Muta:22:02:10 U shold giv yur crap paintings away 4 free mr wana b

Niu:22:02:43 Malo
Muta:22:04:14 Malo

4-Feb-2010

Muta:07:21:03 Morn cok
Niu:07:22:13 U know wot time it is 
Muta:07:24:43 Wen u wana have lunch dickhead
Niu:07:26:22 Can u tel da time
Muta:07:28:02 U cant paint 4 SHIT
Niu:07:29:44 Does yur clock hav numbers
Muta:07:30:12 Stick yr painting up yr as

Muta:13:20:16 Wen you do something right make sure u fart
Niu:13:21:34 Drink yur beer with a straw
Muta:13:22:54 Live yr dream doing jak shit
Niu:13:35;34 An burp wen yur done
Muta:13:35:41 Shut up bitch

Niu:21:56:42 Malo
Malo:21:57:57 Malo

5:Feb-2010

Muta:07:35:21 Morn cok
Niu:07:38:46 Oi its moipee
Muta:08:04:29 Oi its fiapoko
Niu:08:05:00 Minista said u left yur lipstik bhind
Muta:08:07:50 U must be a ovastayer me no understand
Muta:08:08:42 Go bac 2 papua new guinea
Muta:08:09:21 Black bastard

Muta:22:19;23 Malo
Niu::22:21:09 Malo

7-Feb-2010

Muta:07:24:40 Morn wanka
Niu: 07:27:54 I thougt u fuked off to samoa
Muta: 07:31:23 2moro polo wher u
Niu: 08:30:31 Ponsonby u putio
Muta:  08:33:54 Stay there u cok u faken cunt
Niu:08:41:55 Yur village gona die laughin when day c u

Muta:12:03:16 Wa da name of yr village fale kio or kio fale or fale ai kae
Niu:12:07:10 Say hi to yur fat minista
Muta:12:09:31 Isnt yr village called da faleauila
Niu:12:11:10 My village shit runs downstream 2 yur village
Muta:12:12:09 Go bac an ask 4 forgiveness
Muta:12:13:23 An bring da tiolet paper
Niu:12:16:19 Yr minista said to tel u jus send tyres 4 his 4 wheel drive
Niu:12:17:12 He said u not a matai anyway
Muta:12:17:57 Go fufu yr cat
Niu:12:18:10 An u dnt speak samoan properly, yur samoan like kaka language
Muta:12:18:51 Fuk u cok

Niu:21:13:34 Wank fasta komo
Muta:22:23:58 I close my eyes like u
Niu:22:26:45 Malo
Muta:23:32:33 Malo



Muta returns from a quick trip to Samoa after taking a sii. 

10-Feb-2010

Niu:07:32:11 How was trip
Muta: 07:40:02 Samoa sux
Muta:07:40:11 Like yr village
Niu:07:41:22 Minista said u didn’t give enuff
Niu:07:41:58 But day don’t know yur rate an hour is 4.50
Muta:07:42:33 Im broke again
Niu:07:43:01 Uso if u nd money
Niu:07:44:33 Go to the fuken bank
Muta:08:34:18 Cum an paint my as
Muta:08:35:36 I got plenty of amo u cok

Niu:21:11:15 Yur boyfriend said u were 2 good
Muta:21:12:45 Komo
Niu:21:13:00 U left yur lavalava behind
Niu:21:13:12 And yur jandal
Muta:21:13:31 I going 2 stab u u cunt
Niu:21:13:59 He said he wants 2 marry u
Muta:21:14:24 Eat shit
Niu: 21:15:22 And 2 wear da lavalava and jandal u left behind
Muta:21:15:58 Kefe ai kae u faken putio fak off wanker
Niu:21:16:11 Malo
Muta:   21:16:21 Malo

13-Feb-2010

Muta:07:15:17 Morn cok next time u see me u knee down an say o master u ar a god please forgive me I was wrong
Niu: 07:15:31 Go wash yur 1 testy
Muta:07:15:45 U fuken KUNT

Muta:18:59:17 Coconut 4 eyes wanker
Muta:19:57:31 Its MR MUTA from now on u kefe ufa ai kae
Niu:19:59:01 Mr shit4brains
Muta:20:07:38 That’s y yr village cant b found inside da map
Niu:20:08:44 You mean ‘on a map’ or ‘inside the map’
Muta:20:00:25 Hoso vale leai se faiai
Niu:20:01;13 Go bac 2 kindergarten
Niu:20::01:21 And sit in front
Muta:20:02:09 Kapuni lau gutu
Muta:20:17:56 Aikae ufa vale

Niu:21:45:14 Malo
Muta:21:46:23 Malo

15-Feb-2010

Muta:07:34:18 Cum an paint my ass
Niu:07:44:16 Oi its da loser from otara
Muta:07:46:55 I got plenty of amo u cok
Niu:07:51;36 Cunt its 8 in da morning
Muta:07:53:02 Shame on u 2 talk 2 me im a high cheif an u a ai kae
Niu:07:54:41 Cunt its 8 in da morning
Muta:08:19:40 U nowhere near my class boy
Niu: 08:20:17 Go an eat sumthin
Niu:08:20:34 Heaps of concrete outside

Muta:19:42:56 C u never beta me in anything
Niu:19:43:33 U r da best, no 1 is mor stupid den u 
Muta:19:44:12 Next time u want mor smoke ring da police

Niu:22:15:34 Malo
Muta:22:16:02 Malo

17-Feb-2010

Muta:07:23:11 KEFE WAKE UP
Niu:07:23:43 Go make yur mum breakfast

Muta:17:28:08 Whos dis losa
Muta17:28:12 My name is niu fia ai kae
Muta:17:29:45 I use 2 b a painter but now a factory worker
Muta:17:30:26 I talk 2 myself al da time
Niu:17:30:47 My name is muta no money
Muta17:30:54 Village slut
Niu:17:31:21 I failed my taxi liscence 4 times
Muta:17:31:44 O out cums a knife
Niu:18:36:48 Al my indians friends passed cept me
Muta: 17:32:15 Dont hold bac
Niu:17:35:36 Im jus a partime trukdriva
Muta 17:35:45 Go for gold
Niu:17:36:01 My faifeau an vilage tak al my money
Niu:17:36:45 Day said I am da best matai in my vilage
Muta:17:36:01 Fak u matafaka ai kae ufa komo kefe ufa pukio

Niu:21:39:54 Malo
Muta:21:40:06 Malo

18-Feb-2010

Muta:06:45:01 Morn cok
Niu:06:45:39 Fuk off
Muta: 06:48:33 Fuk up
Niu:06:48:49 Fuk u

19-Feb-2010

Muta:07:23:07 Mangere shoping centre loking 4 a cleana sole u should apply
Niu:07:25:43 U need 2 get a taxi liscence
Muta:08:06:32 I tried dipshit 4 fucken times
Niu:08:06:54 I help u
Niu:08:07:22 Make a turban with yur lavalava
Muta:08:13:16 Piece of shit
Niu:08:13:43 Second change yur name to muta mahut
Muta:08:15:43 Fak u cok
Niu:08:16:35 Third say u like cricket
Muta:08:16:11 U faken bitch
Niu:08:16:34 Wait
Niu:08:16:43 Jus say u like cricket

Niu:20:04:56 U shold b proud of da moni u gave 4 sii
Muta:20:05:20 O its da boy who wants 2 b a man
Niu:20:05:56 U rose 2 da ocasion
Muta:20:06:27 Go fak yrself
Niu:20:07:01 U made yur family really proud
Muta:20:07:29 Small cok get lost
Niu:20:07:51 Da moni wil go a long way
Muta:20:09:05 They luf me cok
Niu:20:09:35 Dats y u a real matai
Muta:20:10:04 Im da man
Niu:20:10:23 Wen u goin bak
Muta:20:11:21 Bak where cok
Niu:20:11:54 Africa
Muta:20:12:44 U funi mr ai kae

21-Feb-2010

Muta:07:35:01 Morn cok
Niu:07:36:23 Brush yur teeth b4 u text me polo
Muta:07:37:41 Fak u
Niu: 07:38:32 Use da steelo and janola

22-Feb-2010

Muta:06:54:40 Morn pukio u still staring at empty painting
Niu:06:55:21 Morning komo
Muta:06:55:43 I got idea 4 u GIVE IT UP
Muta:06:56:15 So u wana faken go 2 lunch or not cunt
Niu:06:57:01 Blah blah blah blah
Muta:06:58:25 Go fuck yourself

Muta:21:07:33 Twit
Muta:21:08:16 Picaso ufa
Muta:21:08:55 Cant paint 4 shit
Muta:21:09:16 Copykat
Muta:21:10:55 U can borrow my ideas shitting upside down
Muta:  21:12:18 Factory worker
Muta:21:14:43 5 tala
Muta:21:15:23 Licking yur wounds a
Muta:21:15:45 U cok suka

Niu:21:30:32 Malo
Muta:21:31:12 Malo

25 Feb-2010

Muta:07:32:11 Morn cok
Niu:07:33:10 Keep wanking
Muta:07:33:19 Wot time for lunch
Niu:07:33:29 Den take yur medicine
Muta:08:14:43 Wot time cunt
Niu:08:15:01 10 com pik me up
Muta:08:19:30 11 so i can go 2 pityful job afta lunch
Niu:08:20:52 Kool wear yur bes dress
Muta:08:23:07 Ok cok txt u wen eva

Muta:09:05:53 Sori uso my brotha percy tok my kavele 2 pay his bills wont have time 4 lunch b4 work cunt
Niu: 09:06:29 Wot a dik
Muta: 09:06:51 Fak u matafaka ai kae
Niu:09:07:34 Go lick yur bum

26-Feb-2010

Muta:07:01:34 Morn cok wa u up 2 besides tickling yr as
Niu:07:01:51 Can u get some more smoke
Muta:07:02:25 O hanging out r we try my special rasta sausage
Niu:07:02:48 Can u get some more smoke
Muta:07:03:21 Do i look like i got fuken money
Niu:07:03:21 Can u get some more smoke
Muta: 07:04:01 FAKEN DICK
Niu:07:04:23 Can u get some more smoke
Muta:07:04:51 Wait till i have a shit then u can have lunch
Niu:07:05:09 Can u get some more smoke
Muta:07:05:31 U must have a pretty mouth for dis ula

27-Feb-2010

Muta:07:21:34 Morn cok
Niu:07:22:59 Don’t look in da mirror
Muta:07:23:13 U still a virgin
Niu:08:13:18 Go pay yur pimp
Muta:08:16:56 Is dis u susan
Niu:08:17:14 Yes aunty muta
Muta:08:17:45 Pak an save looking 4 trolley workers
Niu:08:17:59 Day make more money den u
Muta:08:18:23 I make more money den u shithead

Niu:14:19:21 Sole lunch 2moro
Muta:14:19:45 U want 2 b breast fed sole
Niu:14:20:12 B nice
Muta:14:21:00 U cant aford lunch
Muta:14:21:37 I don’t eat big ben pies
Niu:14:21:48 How bout ai kae pie
Niu:14:21:56 Through yur bum
Muta:14:22:17 U knw wat go fak yourself

28-Feb-2010

Muta:07:03:56 U awake
Niu:07:04:21 No
Muta:07:04:41 I only want to be yur friend
Niu:07:05:12 I heard yur village was relly impressd wit u
Muta:07:05:32 Fuk up
Niu:07:06:21 Day gona build a statue of u
Muta:07:06:12 Dats rite
Niu:07:06:21 Its gona be da biggest statue in samoa
Muta:07:06:45 U just jealous
Niu:07:06:58 Day say day gona work day and nite 2 finish it
Muta:07:07:15 Keep stroking my dick 
Niu:07:07:23 Gona b a big ceremony
Muta:07:07:31 Dats rite mindless fucker
Niu;07:08:12 Da plaque gona say ‘dis is muta da big shot matai who still lives wit his mummy from otara he had two left feet an a small cok’
Muta:07:08:25 Matafaka
Niu:07:08:29 ‘dis statue is made from pig shit’
Muta:07:08:37 Don’t stop
Niu:07:08:59 And horse piss
Muta:07:09:34 Rub it in
Niu:07:09:51 Da statue was very lifelike with the big nostrils
Muta:07:10:08 Its only tears

Muta:12:08:35 U shit 4 brains
Niu:12:08:49 U back 4 more
Muta:12:08:52 Don’t 4get to pray 4 paintin lesons

Niu:21:08:45 Malo
Muta:21:08:11 Malo



Glossary:

Ai kae – Eat shit
Elo – Stinky
Faiai – Brains
Faifeau – Samoan minister
Fiapoko – Know it all
Fish – Marijuana
Gutu – Mouth
Kavale – Car
Kefe – Fuckwit
Kio – Shit
Komo – Fuckwit
Malo – Well done
Matai – Chiefly title
Moe umi – Sleep in
Moe pee – Bed wetter
Muli – Bum
Polo – Testicles
Sii – Traditional exchange
Susu – Suck
Ufa – Fuckwit
Ula – Marijuana
Uso – Brother
Valea – Dumb





The fecund people - Andy Leleisi'uao 2014
Leleisi’uao is an Auckland-born based artist. In the 1990s his work has traversed the diasporic consequences and frustrations of being a first generation Aotearoa-New Zealand born Samoan within his community. Avoiding traditional Pacific Island and tapa cloth imagery he created his own iconography to explore his concerns and dreams. In a mid-career shift during the early 2000s Leleisi’uao’s work transcended towards more universal themes with alofa as the continuing link throughout his work.