blackmail press 33
Mariana Isara
New Zealand

Tui Taonga 1-5 Penny Howard
Mariana Teuila Isara I am currently living my childhood dream of studying art and creativity. My poems have appeared in Trout, Cordite, Mai Review, Landfall, Deep South, Sport, brief and elsewhere. The full title of the book I mention in the poem is Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws and you can listen to the Kimya Dawson song I quote here:
Starting the conversation, now

                                         for Luke D.

We have been there
To the edge of  the first sky
Turned back at the border
Our lives not ripe enough

It is harder to resist
after friends die
The pull of bridges
The bluest pills
Easier to cry without warning

Deadly thoughts infested us
It was hard to believe
in an abstract future

I ordered ‘101 Alternatives
to suicide’; composed ‘everything worth living
for’ lists. Rang Lifeline and the woman on the other end
Praying for atheists
‘For God’s Sake!’

I read: ‘Hard times require
furious dancing’
I /danced/

But in the furious hard times
We weren’t always brave
it takes raw courage
To live through this
To create a world
in which we want to exist

We live.

But sometimes in the hard hours
of mourning
I think of you
And cry for the earth and all her animals

Then play a Survivor song
By Kimya Dawson
Sing along if you know it:
And if you want to kill yourself
Remember that I love you

Remember that
I love you