S  e  c  r  e  t  s    blackmail press 24
Noelle Nive Moa
New Zealand/ Samoa

Noelle Nive Moa is a NZ born Samoan, hailing from Auckland and now residing in Sydney, Australia with her handsome husband James and beautiful children James jnr, Tony and Lucas.  Her background is in the visual arts, though she is an aspiring writer.  She has had a story published in Niu Voices: Contemporary Pacific Fiction 1, edited by Dr Selina Tusitala Marsh (2006). She is currently writing a collection of short stories and a play. 

i was seven when you took over my room
my space
my closet
my life
at least i think i was seven
you have been with me for so long
time is like an abandoned child

my parents called
and you answered
though you missed samoa
for me
you stayed

aua ete fefe ile aitu
you filled my life with ghosts
nights were spent awake
watched natalie brunt on crimewatch
now afraid of the living and the dead

alu ese mai i.  aikae lou alelo
you ward off spirits
by spitting
and cursing on them

the samoan female virtues

you taught me

you taught me not to be afraid
because the smell of fear is what

i tried
but no matter how many baths i took
i still stank

my imagination
worked overtime
with no meal breaks
or smoko
innocuous shadows became
vengeance seeking spirits
waiting to carry me off into the
a kiss of a breeze
on the nape of my neck
unutterable whisperings
of lost souls

eleai se mea ete fefe ai 
o’oe lena e ola
o’oe e malosi enei pu’a 
did you believe my
displays of

aua ete fefe
your words resound in my head
as it hits the newly painted wall
i’d decided to go for a lime-washed effect
is that methylated spirits i can still smell?
familiar metallic taste fills my mouth
i use my hands as a spittoon
its redness feels warm and smooth

the vengeful shadows of my youth
have metamorphosed into a 6 feet 3
120 kg hulk
where is my kafka?
first round tko
we’re not going for 10?
maybe he likes what i’ve done to the wall

my head is pounding
yet the pain is bearable
has sleep overtaken me?
the prickling sensation on my skin
tells me i’m not
you’re calling out to me


i am afraid
they are real

i feel your presence
i feel your hand on the knot
that is beginning to form
the pain begins to ebb away
trickling like sand on lefaga beach
when the tide moves out to the ocean

aches to move
you once told me i was alive
the dead
used to be so fearsome
now they are but harmless spectres of the past

i am haunted by another kind
the kind that breathes
and stalks
what were those three virtues?

can i remember?


1.aua ete fefe ile aitu
don’t be afraid of ghosts

2.alu ese mai i.  aikae lou alelo
get away from here. eat shit you bastards

3.eleai se mea ete fefe ai
you have nothing to fear

4.o’oe lena e ola
you are alive

5.o’oe e malosi enei pu’a
you are stronger than these pigs

6.aua ete fefe
don’t be afraid